Emo stuff, family drama.
(You have be warned!)
Please don't continue to read this if you can't stand emo stuff, please.

Coming back home this weekend really awaken me.
It reminded me that my life would never be perfect after all.

My mum sort of fall into depression recently.
She is not happy.
All thanks to her boyfriend, who she has been with almost ten years or so.
I don't like him, honestly.
He is loud and rude, quick-tempered, bossy and likes to gamble.
He always treat my mum like she is her servant or something and borrow money from her to gamble.
Which I totally hate.
My mum always put everything in her heart and never fight back.
He always shouted at her for smaller things or show his temper when he doesn't have enough money to use or in another word, poor(cause he spent his time gambling all the time).
I totally hate it when he is driving.
If he couldn't find the place he is going to, he will drives like a madman and keep on cursing and shout out rude words.
I really hope she would be leaving him soon.
But I know it is not that easy.
I am so, so glad that they haven't register or anything yet.

Insert a story that I didn't manage to publish--
Written on 18 October 2008

"I'm having enough!!!
I just can't understand.
Why do some guy have THAT kind of temper?
So, it is like this.
This morning, my mum, her boyfriend, me and my cousin is preparing to go to work, inside the car, all ready.(Only one car in this home)
Then suddenly, the car cannot be started.
So, the man(I mean my mum's boyfriend) asked my mum to drive it whiles he pushed the car.
But it still couldn't work.
Then that man kept saying how my mum couldn't drive and like if you know how to drive, the car will start.
Damn.
I hate it when he said that.
He is like really impatient and asked my mum to come out.
So, we three women(girls?) pushed the car whiles HE drives.
Hah!
The car still wouldn't start.
But my mum of course will not say that to him.
She will just kept quiet even when she is angry.
Actually yesterday the car already seems a bit strange, it struggle to start.
But he doesn't care about it.
Then that man went berserk.
He kept on shouting those bad and rude words.
Kicking his car.
Like that helps**rolling my eyes**
Throw his stupid handphone and went to pick it up again.**what's the point??**
And peel off the sticker of god that he stick on his car and smash it in his hand and throw it away. Saying how the god makes his car like this and he couldn't depend on anyone but himself.**stupid**
In the end, have to call his friend to bring him the battery.
So, why do he has such a bad temper?
He should think of solution and not to lose his tempers like that.
Really can't stand that guy."

I don't know. The men that I have met in my life is all jerks.
My father, who was having affairs when I still haven't born yet.
My life is without a man figure.
I don't recall any memory of a happy family.
All I can remember is my father occasionally drop in to visit us because he is living with his another family.
I don't even remember if my father ever hug me.
Then when my father passed away, I live with my grandpa and my uncle.
My uncle sort of have some mental problem(still single!) so I get scold for no reason.
And then now moving in with my mum, I met another man who treats my mum like dirt.
So, anyone wondering why I am still not in a relationship yet?
Hahahaha.
I see a lot of things in the process of growing up.
Looking at my mum and sister's history just make me kind of afraid to let anyone in to my life.

♥ 11:04 PM

Yesterday was Earth Hour.
Everyone is making a big deal out of it.
People are supposed to turn off the light and everything between 8.30pm - 9.30pm.
Anyone doing it?
Well, during that time, I was inside the car, on my way back home.
So, I didn't turn on any light at that time.
Haha.
Does that count?
But on my way back, I could still see a lot of lights turn on in the apartments, flat, houses.
Hmmmm..
Does that one hour really make that much different??
I do wonder.

♥ 10:38 PM

A POEM from UTAR FCI

I join Utar because its 'pien yi',
I also thought it will be a good uni,
but end i jalan jauh sampai nak mati,

♥ 7:33 PM

I think most of the people who study in graphic design course have a bit problems with their maths.
I am not saying that their maths are bad, just that they are not that good in calculation.
Of course, there are exemption.
But obviously, not me.
When do I start notice my problem in maths?
Well, it started when I was in Form 3, and I really can't concentrate in math class.
I was having difficulties and my sister was fed up from teaching me maths.
Haha.
Because I easily lose concentration and couldn't just get it.
After I got both B in Maths and Science for my PMR, I was kicked to the second class(4 Science B).
That was when all my friends were in Science A class.
I was devastated.
Then, I was struggling in the maths subject and what was even worst was the subject called add maths.
I was dying in that class.
And I know that add maths teacher doesn't likes me because I always fail for that paper.
And I can't go for tuition either because there is no one to fetch me going.
So, I was struggling and struggling.
And then one day, my father just passed away suddenly.
Aahh... that's when my calculation become even more worst.
I don't know why.
It was like my brain couldn't functioning in calculating anymore.
Even though I manage to get A for my maths, but for add maths, I got a C.
When I took this course, I finally realized that I am not alone.
I hate working with numbers.
I hate working with financial things.
I hate paying bills and stuff.
Isn't it ironic when my father used to be a bank manager?
And my mum and my sister is good in maths?
I am such an outcast.
Well, most people who take this course has problem with their maths.
I am not saying everyone, of course.
Just most of them.
No offense though.

♥ 5:57 PM

With Miss Cheong, after DTPII lecture.....

♥ 5:39 PM

Yesterday was my group presentation of pendidikan moral subject.
We need to present in Bahasa Malaysia, obviously.
Ugh. It has been such a long time that I used that language.
Eventhough I have previously study in government school(you know, sekolah kebangsaan) which makes me a banana.
But in the early of the morning, about 7.30am something, the rain started to fall heavily and everything.
And I, have to walk under the heavy rain to PG Block because my class is at 8am.
Become totally wet after that.
Clothes was dripping wet.
Shoes was dripping wet.
Hair was dripping wet.
The rain was so heavy that even the umbrella couldn't protect me.
But one good thing was there is sure a lot of people who won't come to class today.
So, our group was supposed to be group number 3 to present.
But one of our group member is still on the way.
So, we kept waiting and waiting, feeling nervous by the second.
In the end, we were the last group to present.
I think the groups that present that day were about 5.
I was sitting in the front, reading from the text, occasionally look up, and YIKES, the lecturer kept staring at me with big eyes.
*gulp*
And she is making me more nervous after that.
I admit that I am not good at giving speech in front of people.
But I kinda hate it when my voice gone all weird because of my nervousness.
Any tips on having a perfectly, smooth voice when presenting?
It has been such a long time that I did presentation.
So can't help being nervous and stuff.

♥ 7:43 AM

Ugh.
Today right after finishing class, we went to McDonald to eat lunch.
But don't know why after eating, my stomach kept on cramping with pain every seconds.
Some sort of abdomen pain or something.
Not going to toilet that kind.
Even when I was taking nap, it is still in pain.
It is just a stomachache but it has been going on for a few hours.
Even after I ate some medicine for stomachache but it is still not working.
McDonald is killing me.
Does their food contains poison or something?
Is the fillet not fresh?
Or the fries too oily?
I think it is because of the oily french fries.
My stomach couldn't digest it or something.
That's what my mum said.
I don't want to go to McD anymore.**sob sob**
Please stop torturing me.

♥ 5:18 PM

I don't know what happen to me recently.
I don't know what am I thinking.
I don't know what am I doing.
I don't know who am I anymore.
Is it because of the stress and pressure are driving me insane?
I don't know.
Feels like the assignments keep on coming and I run out of ideas and creativity.
No wonder people withdraw from this course.
People who couldn't handle it sure will become crazy.
And it's not like there are many students of GD in my batch.
We only have 2 groups and the total of 2 groups consists only 50 people.
So less, huh?
But it is tough when people are competing with each other.

♥ 4:33 PM

Getting depressed recently.
Don't know why.
Just feeling sort of down.
Down, down, down.
Finally wake up and realized that fairy tales doesn't exist.

♥ 11:02 PM

Today is Friday.
And it is 13th.
It is suppose to be an unlucky day.
And I wonder why I wake up this morning feeling everything just doesn't feel right.
Something wrong with my face.
Something wrong with my hair.
Something wrong with my clothes.
And I couldn't memorize the history of art notes.
And taking the test is a struggle.
Even though it is a multiple choice questions, but there is a lot of artist and terms that I don't remember.
Feeling so disappointed in myself.
Just shooting whatever answer that seems right.
Even though it only consists of 10%, but I just felt so terrible.
I was so sleepy in the class...and the lecturers keep on talking and talking.
I hate walking to UTAR,
I hate crossing the stupid roads with stupid car speeding so fast,
I hate it when I cross the road, stupid people in the car keep honing at me with no reason,
I hate it when I cross the road, people in the car are looking at me like they are laughing at me,
I hate it when those uncle, apek and those foreign workers are staring at me,
I hate UTAR toilets which is dirty and disgusting with broken toilets,
I hate my timetable,
I hate my assignments which keep on coming without giving me space to breathe,
I hate that I am lacking sleep,
I hate that I don't even know what I am doing.
The end.
Interactive multimedia midterm test tomorrow.
And I don't feel like studying.

♥ 6:06 PM

DTP II: Assignment 2(Poster Design)
Software: Adobe Illustrator CS3
Theme: Splash, Make Your Mark

♥ 5:56 PM

On Thursday, we went to Wangsa Maju to print our poster design.
I print my poster design and my calendar design because Clare Tan wants me to reprint it again.
She even threaten me saying that if I didn't reprint and give it to her, she will deduct my marks on the first assignment.
So, I spent RM64.10 for the poster design and calendar design, and don't forget last time I already print one calendar design, so total will be about RM80+++?
Expensive, I know.
Then reached at hostel about 6p.m something and still haven't done my design rationale and stuff.
And the next day will be having history of art midterm test.
And I still haven't read the notes yet but feeling so sleepy.
I couldn't even manage to digest what am I reading.
Feeling so lost.
And exhausted.
In the end, I just went to sleep.

♥ 5:31 PM

On Wednesday night, me and my housemates went to Fireman, JayaOne to celebrating our new housemate's birthday, Wan Ching which falls on today.

We went to eat steamboat until our stomach couldn't handle it anymore.

But too bad we didn't see any performance that day.

Me.Wai Li.

Me.Wai Li.Yu Hua.Wan Ching.

Agnes.Me.Wai Li.Yu Hua.

Everyone

Me.Wan Ching.

Agnes.Me

Me.Yu Hua.

This is sort of like our tradition.
I mean, going out to eat dinner with all the housemates during any birthdays.
But I think this tradition is going to die soon after Yu Hua and Wai Li move out.
Huhu~~ Nobody is going to celebrate my birthday~
So sad.
Don't mind me.
I am just wallowing in my own misery.

Anyway, when we went back home, and when I turned on my laptop, imagine how I feel when my laptop couldn't start up.
I was so anxious, so worry that my mind couldn't think of anything else.
I also don't know what happened.
It happened once last time.
Luckily, there is a way to recover my data even when I couldn't start up the whole thing.
But, I forget to save my pictures inside the laptop!
Damn!
But, the most important thing is that I can recover my UTAR assignment files.
If I lost it, I don't know what I will do.
Losing my mind, perhaps.
In the end, I have to reformat the whole system.
This is one of the good thing of SonyVaio.
We can restore the system by ourself.
So I waited the system to recover...12a.m, 1a.m...then I couldn't stand it anymore, and went to sleep.
Then I suddenly woke up at 3a.m to see whether it is already done or not.
After that, I put back all my files inside and went to sleep again.
And woke up at 5.45am to install Adobe Illustrator CS3 which really took a lot of time.
Then, finish up my poster which I need to print on that day.
Couldn't help feeling so, so tired.

♥ 3:06 PM

Today sat for the Moral mid-term test.

♥ 7:31 PM

In the end, I tagged nobody XD

♥ 2:18 PM

This week is still okay.

Miss Clare has really changed.

She is not as harsh as before.

Maybe the complain does work after all.

Hahahaha…

Next week will be very, very busy.

There will be 3 mid-term exams!!!

Moral on Tuesday, History of Art on Friday, Interactive Multimedia on Saturday.

Oh God...

And the deadline for DTP II second assignment: poster design is on next Friday.

Yikes.

Feel the pressure on my shoulder.

I can't breathe...gasp!

I don't know why I take this course eh..

Well, I've been wondering the same thing for the past 2 years during diploma time and now...

I know I learn a lot of things here but...I just couldn't get enough sleep nowadays.

The black circles around my eyes are getting deeper and deeper, my eye bags are getting bigger.

No amount of eye cream can save it..*sob*

God, please give me the strength to get through all this!

♥ 9:36 PM